Of pain ...

The Panic attacks returned yesterday.

I think I am at fault too, He has changed a lot . But I have just become numb. I realize that I do not talk to anyone now. The playful me is gone.

I can change if I want to. I chose not to. Is it the fear of getting hurt again ? Is it that the wall around me gives me a some comfort ? I don’t know. Its ages since I ve been truly happy. But when I look around, my life is not that bad . Then why ? The scars haunt me. They keep telling me that I will be hurt , they keep telling  me not to break my wall. Not to let them in .

The clown face that I adorn to please the little one kills me. Yet I do it. Why ? I don’t want the little one to suffer.  But again, life isn’t bad. Am I being too much of a drama queen. Am I being like one of those old ladies who love to say they are suffering always ?

Yesterday I cried , after long. I cried with panic, I couldn’t hold back the tears. I wailed and cried. Why ? I felt the fear . Felt the meaningless life and couldn’t bear it. I felt sorry for him for being stuck to me.

Yes , that is what hurts me now. It hurts with a killing pain.  He is stuck to me and he doesn’t want to let  go. He is trying , he knows he has wronged and is trying to change for better. But I , I who once prayed for this change , I am now numb. And don’t want to change. 

Plastic Woes

My son who started kindergarten this year waits for the evenings,  so that we can go out and play football or just walk around. Yesterday we were happily putting on the walking shoes when I felt a tightness on my chest, I started to cough soon after. Didn’t take me long to smell burning plastic. My son is sensitive to these smells too. I took him inside and had to stay cooped up inside the house with the building blocks and cars all evening.

My neighbours do it . My in laws do it too. They burn plastic . When asked , they ask me: "what else can we do".

Recently we saw a government initiative in newspapers , about how they collect plastic covers from you. We went to visit the facility.

The ladies working there said  they have some equipment for recycling plastic. But the plastic needs to be dry. It should not have food residue in them . It should not be mixed with other stuff that cannot go into the machine. But our people , they find it too taxing. No one wants to take the extra effort to clean and dry the plastic milk packets, wash the  take away boxes etc.  Another excuse is that , "If I don’t burn plastic someone else does it. Then why should I take the effort to clean it and take it for recycling".

The effort by the government also did not continue for long. They shut down  the office put up to collect plastic.  Some said the equipment was spoiled by putting in stuff that should not go into the machine.

I do keep a shopping bag in the car . And try to avoid plastic covers. But all the groceries like pulses and rice , they come in sealed plastic bags.  I really have no clue how to dispose them , I keep them stacked hoping that one day Government will resume collecting the plastic.

The small stream near my house is clogged with plastic  bags and bottles. Water is now stagnant and doesn’t flow anymore. Tonnes of mosquitios breed in the waters. We complain, we do nothing else.

I went to my hometown recently, it’s a retired folks town . Till maybe a month ago , a few ladies came around once in two days in a vehicle to collect plastic waste and the other waste which is already separated by residents. My mom lives in a good upscale neighborhood and people followed the rules  religiously.

But then one fine morning , they stopped the garbage collection. The corporation also removed all the huge garbage bins across towns. People have no clue how to dispose waste. Most of us live in bungalows/ independent houses, so food waste is not a problem. So is paper. But plastic ? If there is no way to dispose it, then it should be banned.

Most of my friends and relatives I visited aorund had one complaint , They have no clue how to  dispose the plastic waste.  No one raised their voices , All of these people are well off , from the upper middle class and didn’t want to raise their voices.
The others, from the lowe strata ,  burned plastic not knowing the harm it could cause.

Houses with kids have a huge problem with disposing used diapers. 

When we talk about a clean India , it does not only mean cleaning the streets we live in or walk around . Many a time , I have see the garbage trucks dumping the plastic and other waste on the outskirts of the town. 

To truly attain the objective of a "Clean India" , we need organized and effective ways of disposing all the waste including plastic waste and educating people not to dump and burn such products . 

My son was suffering from certain allergies recently and we could not zero in on the cause. Giving him steroids was the only solution  and it was something we didn’t really want to do.  The doc suggested a strict diet with no processed food , diary and a list of forbidden foods along with the medication. It was not so easy, following the diet for a 4 year old foodie .  But he was very cooperative , must be because he suffered enough during the sick periods .

Sometimes we would visit some family or relatives who would try giving him some processed food or stuff that was forbidden.  My son would mostly say No to those , but would sometimes fall into temptation . Then he would get sick within a couple of hours and steroids would follow.

Once we were at my in laws place, they brought some nivedyam from the temple. This was a mixture of a lot of things including jaggery , ghee , some fruits etc.  Jaggery was a strict NO for him , coz it is now being processed in our place using caustic soda and other chemicals. My son didn’t want to eat it either , but my inlaws forced him saying its God ‘s food.  I wanted to protest coz I knew what little P would go through if he got , but still kept mum coz even the youngsters including my BIL was supporting the argument.  

I was brought up in a family who visited temples not quite regularly. My sister and I used to light the deepam (lamp) everyday and chant the hymns which we were taught. Somewhere within we believed that doing good is the way to be . Not that I was an angel . But we believed the principle that “Do good and God will shower his blessings”.

I got married to a family who believed that temples are the way to life. In fact the whole town believed that way.  Women rarely went to work .  Their routine meant wake up, bathe , dress in the best clothes , visit temples and blindly followed a zillion rituals. If someone told my MIL that she has to jump 5 times facing the east on a Wednesday morning , she would do that.  But when she starts forcing me to do it , the equation changes.

I also found a few atheists / non believers in this religious family.  Slowly I realized that , these odd customs make you lose your faith. It increases your faith if you do not think or if you are not logical. I agree , I may do a lot of things that are not logical. But when you force someone to do something that is not logical they lose the trust.

I dread going to my inlaws when I have my period. Life is hell there then.

It is the same for festival days and religious days. I cannot pray when I go to the temple with them. I am conscious and I find that I keep checking for customs and traditions to make sure I do not break them. Otherwise , when I go to a temple , I pray in peace. I find a connect with God then. When customs and traditions take priority , they disturb the connect.

Also , when I go with my son, I have to keep checking to ensure that he doesn’t touch any of the priests. I find it ridiculous now. A small innocent child who is running around touches you while playing, and he pollutes  you?  There was this  priest who have told him , Son be careful if you touch me I have to go take a bath.  When they give him the holy water , theertham , they are so careful that they do not touch him . Not all priests are like this though, there was an educated Brahmin in my hometown who never cared about such traditions. He was the chief priest in one of the famous temples , he would bless  the children on their heads and never believed that by touching them he was polluted for the rest of the day.

For me its about doing good. For me its about treating people equal irrespective of caste or creed. The same MIL who follows all such customs treats my muslim maid with so much disrespect coz she is not a hindu. To me , showing respect and helping the needy is the way to life rather than visiting 101 temples. I can accept when my mil’s generation does it but when the 20 and 30 year olds do it , then it disturbs me. But again , as I do not like them inflicting their ideas on me how can I force my thoughts on them ? So let it be.

The miserable and lonely weekend

Pran is back home , I am kind of worried. I know I shouldnt be. But I am here in the Americas , it was better when he was at Mumbai with sis. There, he was totally occupied with the little gal and their fights and games . I hope he does not miss me . I will not be able to bear it if he cries for me. 

I ve never had a sleeping problem, well I cannot wake up early.. but that doesnt count. 

Of late , I cannot sleep. I go to bed exhausted and tired, but keep tossing and turning in the bed. 

I think it ought to be an effect of the depression that s slowly making its way to conquer me.

I loved the solitude, wanted to do stuff that I cannot do back in India. Travel alone, cook my kind of food, read and read and read.. 

But the weekend was miserable, I have so much of work thats pending that I could not roam around to my hearts content. 

I was stuck in this hotel room with not a soul to talk to. Thats also ok.

But whenever I get out of the room I see those 5G , my male colleagues, standing there in the corridor having fun . The cold stare makes me depressed. I dont know if I am imagining it. But why dont they even talk to me then? I used to initiate the conversation earlier but since they dont make an effort I stopped it too. 

Well I am planning to get this backlog done and get moving on the weekends.

Why do you always crib and Cry.

Perspective - I ve been attributing my oddness to  perspective since late.

The others here with me, lets call them 5G for 5 guys.

Well the 5G , they brood all the time. The cry out loud... ooh we have 'x' more months left here in this wretched land. Well to me , this place is wonderful, thats another story ...

I asked one of them yesday - why cant you see the positive side of it. Nobody forced you to come here. You were given the choice. Then why fret.

They didnt eat me alive, but they kind of did. They said my Husband and son are joining me soon ,  so I can be happy and fine. They are missing their families.
I didnt reply . Bcoz I am already the alien - well now from some planet near the earth. I didnt want to be chucked out from there .

My point is :
They were given the choice , they were not forced to work from onsite. They were given an opportunity which they readily accepted.
You get exposure on the work front here which you do not get there , at least where I work. There , I am the senior , here I am the baby and I am learning so much from the way the others work, both technically and other aspects too.
You also do have the choice to bring your family. You do not coz it does not allow you to save as much as dollars as you want to. That is not my problem.
You could learn the culture , the way of life in this place , at least the way people follow rules , the way people greet each other etc.
They complain about food . You can buy anything everything here. But that means you have to shell a few of those precious dollars . I do that , U dont. Not my problem. I am saving less, u more.
You are making money. Me, with my lavish lifestyle (according to u) , is still saving enough .  You must be saving lots and lots .

When you were given the choice, you must have weighed the positives and negatives in your mind . And then decided to grab this opportunity coz the positives outweighed the negatives.

Then why crib and cry all the time ?
I have a feeling that a lot of my fellow Indians , or is it just Mallus , feel that they ought not show that they are happy.
Evil Eye?

Colleagues , food and weekends...

I have mixed feelings about my life here , in the US. On one way , I like it. I love the freedom it gives me. I love the fact that nobody stares at me , nobody passes lewd comments and the like. The freedom gives me a high :)

On the other hand , I miss my family . Or at least a friend of the same wavelength. I feel terribly lonely at times though I make a conscious effort not to be lonely.

I wonder if I am a really odd person. I love to read , I do not watch TV. I like my space , my privacy, I like going out for a walk alone.
There are around 5 of my colleagues with me , who stay in the same hotel . All of them , boys , younger than me. They find me odd :) I can feel it.  
Well I guess to them - I read books and dont watch TV !!! To them its odd. I go for walks alone ..

They are all simple and very mallu like boys.

Well, they are good humans , its a matter of perspective. I was brought up to be independent and I hate troubling anyone (except amma and sis and PP ) . 

I should not let it bother me . But it does sometimes, only sometimes .

Sometimes I find loneliness creeping into me... not coz I am alone.. coz the others are talking loudly in the next room . They dont find it comfortable with me , I dont blame them. But its odd. 

I wish the ice would melt  , I wish they would treat me more like a friend . 

Also , I cook my own food, they all have a common kitchen , they cook their meals together. 

Well, my food habits are quite different from theirs too. They bring rice and pulses from india, by kgs , and survive on it. I cannot eat like that. I buy vegetables , they look at me in wonder. They wonder why I spent money on vegetables. They convert the price into INR and gasp. I cannot eat rice and dal everyday and still be happy here. I need quality food. 

Well, again its perspective. I cannot understand how one has to go hungry and save loads of money . I do not understand why one has to live in such a meager manner when you are paid enough to live luxuriously. 

But to them, I am foolish and lavish to be spending all my dollars on food . 

Well, I am waiting for Pran and PP to join me. But again , since its a hotel room I wonder if Pran is going to find it difficult coping up with it here. 

Hoping hoping....

The opportunity ...

An opportunity in the US of A meant a lot to the others , in college and in the fresher days. But then I was not too keen on it. Why ? I am not too sure of what my 'complex' mind thoughts were back then. But I remember my concern about my mom being alone  and me far away in a foreign land. 

Later , after gaining enough experience to be regarded as a senior techie, it dawned on me that all others had onsite experience. It soon became a complex within me and I guess I showed the effects of it on my husband.  

Soon , I was bound to the town. Family , A little son, Our own house and the normal ties. Oh yes loans on the house. 

After Pran was born , I rarely got time to myself. He needed me or was it that I needed him ? Now , I am not so sure. 

One week I took a couple of days vacation to visit mom and be the 'old me'(or is it the 'young me') in my hometown. I always loved it there.. coz Pran was so taken care of ..he was so busy with the other kids..I had all the time to myself. 

And it was then that P , my boss, called me to check with me if I could travel to US for 6 months. And as always, my phone was still inside the travel bag and I did not hear it ring. 

She called my husband , they are friends, and he said "YES' . 

I would have said no, to leave my son for 6 months was not possible to me then. I would not have given it a second thought. 

They processed my travel , and it was all so quick and fast that I could not back out. The next few days was a complete wreck. I was going through a huge emotional crisis... a part of me wanted to take the opportunity ... but images of Pran crying for 'Amma' , Pran going through an emotional stress and havoc. .. flooded me. 

I still am filled with a sense of relief and gratitude to the Almighty for having made Pranav the way he is. He needs reasons. He has to be convinced . Once convinced , he is good . I told him stories about a boy's mom who went to 'America'. I reasoned with him ... that mom's do need to travel.,.. and it may for a long long time... hundred days.. to him hundred is a big big number. 

Again fortunately for me , the company agreed to process their visit and fund their travel though we were in the midst of a merger and policies were all haywire. We decided that I could first travel and then the husband and son could join me after 3 months .

It was a difficult decision... convincing Pranav was the easiest... convincing some others were not so. People who put in the good 'momma's list wud have reconsidered.  I dont need to be in it anyway. But sometimes it hurts, when people point out that he is doing good , yes , but it wasnt right of me. 

He is having a gala time back home, with his 'ammamma' and papa. Well , the reason i could travel was because he was so comfy and attached to ammamma. She not only pampered him , like all grandmoms, but ensured that she was strict with him. Scolding him, making the best food for him, taking him out to the parks and playgrounds... doing what he wants her to and yes scolding him again. 

He loves her , that made a huge difference ..

Well , now that I am here in the US.. it does feel good to be working with such great people. But its quite lonely , especially the weekends.. Well... things will be better once the weather is good :)