Happy Days OR Not?

 

I went down the rabbit hole again. 

Of tears and fears. 

But this is supposed to document the happy days. I did try but the tears clouded it all. 

You may ask, why the tears? I don't have a definite answer. Am I spoiled? Am I depressed? 

• I lack human company. Did I alienate everyone? Or is it coupled with the fact that  it is difficult to make new friends after you turn 30/35 and I relocated to a new country around those years? 
• ADHD, undiagnosed or just an excuse?
• My life revolved around my work. I found a lot of happiness and satisfaction when my brain is excited. I can't sit around doing nothing. Work took a sharp U turn due to wrong choices or the universe aligning itself the wrong way. I will detail this out... 
• I earn good money enough for a decent living and enough for retail therapy but the tasks I do at work make me cry. 
• I spent a lot of time doing NYT crosswords coz I need the simulation or challenge. 
• I don't take any steps to get out of this work shit-hole due to the fear or failure and lack of self-confidence and self-belief. 
• It is a cycle. I know I need to change something but I can't and I cry alone coz I need to maintain my strong image and I hate it when people cry.  
• The crying alone makes it worse coz no one else is aware of what I am going through.

Silver Lining :

• The fact that I am penning this down. Maybe I am ready to make a change. 
• I am hugely impressed in my son who otherwise treats me as his peer and fights with me over silly stuff. He senses that something is wrong, then hugs me and makes me laugh. His head on my chest overwhelms me and makes me want to do better for his sake. 

Happy Days#1

 

It is a Snow day today!!! Finally !!!!

We loved the snow, the boy and I. We loved it so much. But I am not so sure now. I know I will enjoy and find real happiness when I go out to play with him but as always something is pulling me back. 

I am focussing on work or I am trying to so that I will get enough time to go out and play. 

The snow is beautiful and bright. It is the silver lining in winter and we have been missing it for so long. 

The husband who usually is irritated with snow cleaning is happy today coz he can use his new Snow Blower. So it is a win-win for all. 

P.S: There has been a lot of abstract negativity around me and I am hoping to write down some of the stuff that makes me happy. Hoping it gives me a positive outlook and pulls me out of whatever I am going through. 

The year so far

 

The year has been tough so far. 

The Husband went on a work trip to India in the first week of Jan. Was it a result of it or not ? Or was it that the pot has been bubbling for long and had to be let out. 

My anxiety reached a peak and I went into a bout of something negative. Was it depresssion? Panic Attacks?

I distanced myself from all. I talked to no one and no one missed me. 

I did nothing all day but stare at the screen. 

I rushed between office and school pickups and struggled managing time though it sounds strange coz I did nothing anyway. 

I cried out loud some days. Shouted at the boy one day. 

I was mad at S coz he takes me for granted and leaves me alone to manage it all. He could have come back days earlier. He chose to go home, spent time with all and have fun while I struggled like crazy to keep myself together. 

I have been working on my anxiety alone and I think it is getting better. 

I had a long talk with him about my fears and all, it was helpful. Let us hope it goes fine. 

More on 2023

 

An incomplete draft: Publishing anyway

It is August already and similar to the past few years, this year is also flying. 

I almost forgot what we did in the beginning of the year. I had vowed to stay active during the winter but I did not keep it up. Instead, I hibernated. 

Work was hectic in the first quarter and it felt so good though to accomplish and get things done.

In April, we went on a much awaited trip to Lisbon, Porto and Madrid. I loved it but I feel that we could have planned it better. I cannot complain though coz I did nothing and he did all the organizing and ticket booking. 

We rented a car at the Porto airport and drove to Madrid on the day we arrived. The car had a stick and did not have the comforts that we take for granted back home. The travel was very hectic and the route was pretty remote where all cafes/restaurants were closed during that time. We somehow made it to a gas station a couple hours later and pumped in the caffeine which then fueled us. 

Madrid was beautiful, lively and we all loved it. I vaguely remember that fought with the husband and son and threatened not to go sight seeing with them which we later sorted out. The evening after we arrived, we went exploring tapas and food around plaza mayor. I think all three of us love exploring the food more than the history. I am probably the only one who does appreciate history.

That gets me thinking - Are all European cities about history and architecture? Why do we visit those places?  

If I am not interested to view art or architecture then does it make sense to visit say Paris. Add shopping to the list. So why do we still go there ? Is it to feel good, is it a measure of our success? Or is it for the experience? 

I digress. The next day we were scheduled to visit a Formula 1 event but we overslept and missed the time. However, they were not strict with the time and we were able to attend the next show. 

Later, we visited the palace, the plaza (again), food markets and walked a lot that day. We loved it. Period. 

The next day we continued to Lisbon. The drive was long and we saw Olive fields. I had jotted down a few places that we could stop on the way but he would not stop. We argued and he decided to take a break at a fort. Then I was evil and adamant that I wouldn't step out of the car.

The fort was really beautiful and we enjoyed the break.