Tuesday 25 March 2014

The miserable and lonely weekend


Pran is back home , I am kind of worried. I know I shouldnt be. But I am here in the Americas , it was better when he was at Mumbai with sis. There, he was totally occupied with the little gal and their fights and games . I hope he does not miss me . I will not be able to bear it if he cries for me. 

I ve never had a sleeping problem, well I cannot wake up early.. but that doesnt count. 
Of late , I cannot sleep. I go to bed exhausted and tired, but keep tossing and turning in the bed. 

I think it ought to be an effect of the depression that s slowly making its way to conquer me.

I loved the solitude, wanted to do stuff that I cannot do back in India. Travel alone, cook my kind of food, read and read and read.. 
But the weekend was miserable, I have so much of work thats pending that I could not roam around to my hearts content. 
I was stuck in this hotel room with not a soul to talk to. Thats also ok.
But whenever I get out of the room I see those 5G , my male colleagues, standing there in the corridor having fun . The cold stare makes me depressed. I dont know if I am imagining it. But why dont they even talk to me then? I used to initiate the conversation earlier but since they dont make an effort I stopped it too. 
Well I am planning to get this backlog done and get moving on the weekends.




Sunday 23 March 2014

Why do you always crib and Cry.

Perspective - I ve been attributing my oddness to  perspective since late.

The others here with me, lets call them 5G for 5 guys.

Well the 5G , they brood all the time. The cry out loud... ooh we have 'x' more months left here in this wretched land. Well to me , this place is wonderful, thats another story ...

I asked one of them yesday - why cant you see the positive side of it. Nobody forced you to come here. You were given the choice. Then why fret.

They didnt eat me alive, but they kind of did. They said my Husband and son are joining me soon ,  so I can be happy and fine. They are missing their families.
I didnt reply . Bcoz I am already the alien - well now from some planet near the earth. I didnt want to be chucked out from there .

My point is :
They were given the choice , they were not forced to work from onsite. They were given an opportunity which they readily accepted.
You get exposure on the work front here which you do not get there , at least where I work. There , I am the senior , here I am the baby and I am learning so much from the way the others work, both technically and other aspects too.
You also do have the choice to bring your family. You do not coz it does not allow you to save as much as dollars as you want to. That is not my problem.
You could learn the culture , the way of life in this place , at least the way people follow rules , the way people greet each other etc.
They complain about food . You can buy anything everything here. But that means you have to shell a few of those precious dollars . I do that , U dont. Not my problem. I am saving less, u more.
You are making money. Me, with my lavish lifestyle (according to u) , is still saving enough .  You must be saving lots and lots .

When you were given the choice, you must have weighed the positives and negatives in your mind . And then decided to grab this opportunity coz the positives outweighed the negatives.

Then why crib and cry all the time ?
I have a feeling that a lot of my fellow Indians , or is it just Mallus , feel that they ought not show that they are happy.
Evil Eye?

Colleagues , food and weekends...

I have mixed feelings about my life here , in the US. On one way , I like it. I love the freedom it gives me. I love the fact that nobody stares at me , nobody passes lewd comments and the like. The freedom gives me a high :)

On the other hand , I miss my family . Or at least a friend of the same wavelength. I feel terribly lonely at times though I make a conscious effort not to be lonely.

I wonder if I am a really odd person. I love to read , I do not watch TV. I like my space , my privacy, I like going out for a walk alone.
There are around 5 of my colleagues with me , who stay in the same hotel . All of them , boys , younger than me. They find me odd :) I can feel it.  
Well I guess to them - I read books and dont watch TV !!! To them its odd. I go for walks alone ..

They are all simple and very mallu like boys.

Well, they are good humans , its a matter of perspective. I was brought up to be independent and I hate troubling anyone (except amma and sis and PP ) . 

I should not let it bother me . But it does sometimes, only sometimes .

Sometimes I find loneliness creeping into me... not coz I am alone.. coz the others are talking loudly in the next room . They dont find it comfortable with me , I dont blame them. But its odd. 

I wish the ice would melt  , I wish they would treat me more like a friend . 

Also , I cook my own food, they all have a common kitchen , they cook their meals together. 

Well, my food habits are quite different from theirs too. They bring rice and pulses from india, by kgs , and survive on it. I cannot eat like that. I buy vegetables , they look at me in wonder. They wonder why I spent money on vegetables. They convert the price into INR and gasp. I cannot eat rice and dal everyday and still be happy here. I need quality food. 

Well, again its perspective. I cannot understand how one has to go hungry and save loads of money . I do not understand why one has to live in such a meager manner when you are paid enough to live luxuriously. 

But to them, I am foolish and lavish to be spending all my dollars on food . 

Well, I am waiting for Pran and PP to join me. But again , since its a hotel room I wonder if Pran is going to find it difficult coping up with it here. 

Hoping hoping....


Saturday 15 March 2014

The opportunity ...

An opportunity in the US of A meant a lot to the others , in college and in the fresher days. But then I was not too keen on it. Why ? I am not too sure of what my 'complex' mind thoughts were back then. But I remember my concern about my mom being alone  and me far away in a foreign land. 
Later , after gaining enough experience to be regarded as a senior techie, it dawned on me that all others had onsite experience. It soon became a complex within me and I guess I showed the effects of it on my husband.  
Soon , I was bound to the town. Family , A little son, Our own house and the normal ties. Oh yes loans on the house. 
After Pran was born , I rarely got time to myself. He needed me or was it that I needed him ? Now , I am not so sure. 
One week I took a couple of days vacation to visit mom and be the 'old me'(or is it the 'young me') in my hometown. I always loved it there.. coz Pran was so taken care of ..he was so busy with the other kids..I had all the time to myself. 
And it was then that P , my boss, called me to check with me if I could travel to US for 6 months. And as always, my phone was still inside the travel bag and I did not hear it ring. 
She called my husband , they are friends, and he said "YES' . 
I would have said no, to leave my son for 6 months was not possible to me then. I would not have given it a second thought. 
They processed my travel , and it was all so quick and fast that I could not back out. The next few days was a complete wreck. I was going through a huge emotional crisis... a part of me wanted to take the opportunity ... but images of Pran crying for 'Amma' , Pran going through an emotional stress and havoc. .. flooded me. 
I still am filled with a sense of relief and gratitude to the Almighty for having made Pranav the way he is. He needs reasons. He has to be convinced . Once convinced , he is good . I told him stories about a boy's mom who went to 'America'. I reasoned with him ... that mom's do need to travel.,.. and it may for a long long time... hundred days.. to him hundred is a big big number. 
Again fortunately for me , the company agreed to process their visit and fund their travel though we were in the midst of a merger and policies were all haywire. We decided that I could first travel and then the husband and son could join me after 3 months .
It was a difficult decision... convincing Pranav was the easiest... convincing some others were not so. People who put in the good 'momma's list wud have reconsidered.  I dont need to be in it anyway. But sometimes it hurts, when people point out that he is doing good , yes , but it wasnt right of me. 
He is having a gala time back home, with his 'ammamma' and papa. Well , the reason i could travel was because he was so comfy and attached to ammamma. She not only pampered him , like all grandmoms, but ensured that she was strict with him. Scolding him, making the best food for him, taking him out to the parks and playgrounds... doing what he wants her to and yes scolding him again. 
He loves her , that made a huge difference ..
Well , now that I am here in the US.. it does feel good to be working with such great people. But its quite lonely , especially the weekends.. Well... things will be better once the weather is good :)