Of pain ...

The Panic attacks returned yesterday.

I think I am at fault too, He has changed a lot . But I have just become numb. I realize that I do not talk to anyone now. The playful me is gone.

I can change if I want to. I chose not to. Is it the fear of getting hurt again ? Is it that the wall around me gives me a some comfort ? I don’t know. Its ages since I ve been truly happy. But when I look around, my life is not that bad . Then why ? The scars haunt me. They keep telling me that I will be hurt , they keep telling  me not to break my wall. Not to let them in .

The clown face that I adorn to please the little one kills me. Yet I do it. Why ? I don’t want the little one to suffer.  But again, life isn’t bad. Am I being too much of a drama queen. Am I being like one of those old ladies who love to say they are suffering always ?

Yesterday I cried , after long. I cried with panic, I couldn’t hold back the tears. I wailed and cried. Why ? I felt the fear . Felt the meaningless life and couldn’t bear it. I felt sorry for him for being stuck to me.

Yes , that is what hurts me now. It hurts with a killing pain.  He is stuck to me and he doesn’t want to let  go. He is trying , he knows he has wronged and is trying to change for better. But I , I who once prayed for this change , I am now numb. And don’t want to change.