Happy Days OR Not?

 

I went down the rabbit hole again. 

Of tears and fears. 

But this is supposed to document the happy days. I did try but the tears clouded it all. 

You may ask, why the tears? I don't have a definite answer. Am I spoiled? Am I depressed? 

• I lack human company. Did I alienate everyone? Or is it coupled with the fact that  it is difficult to make new friends after you turn 30/35 and I relocated to a new country around those years? 
• ADHD, undiagnosed or just an excuse?
• My life revolved around my work. I found a lot of happiness and satisfaction when my brain is excited. I can't sit around doing nothing. Work took a sharp U turn due to wrong choices or the universe aligning itself the wrong way. I will detail this out... 
• I earn good money enough for a decent living and enough for retail therapy but the tasks I do at work make me cry. 
• I spent a lot of time doing NYT crosswords coz I need the simulation or challenge. 
• I don't take any steps to get out of this work shit-hole due to the fear or failure and lack of self-confidence and self-belief. 
• It is a cycle. I know I need to change something but I can't and I cry alone coz I need to maintain my strong image and I hate it when people cry.  
• The crying alone makes it worse coz no one else is aware of what I am going through.

Silver Lining :

• The fact that I am penning this down. Maybe I am ready to make a change. 
• I am hugely impressed in my son who otherwise treats me as his peer and fights with me over silly stuff. He senses that something is wrong, then hugs me and makes me laugh. His head on my chest overwhelms me and makes me want to do better for his sake.