Happy Days OR Not?

 

I went down the rabbit hole again. 

Of tears and fears. 

But this is supposed to document the happy days. I did try but the tears clouded it all. 

You may ask, why the tears? I don't have a definite answer. Am I spoiled? Am I depressed? 

• I lack human company. Did I alienate everyone? Or is it coupled with the fact that  it is difficult to make new friends after you turn 30/35 and I relocated to a new country around those years? 
• ADHD, undiagnosed or just an excuse?
• My life revolved around my work. I found a lot of happiness and satisfaction when my brain is excited. I can't sit around doing nothing. Work took a sharp U turn due to wrong choices or the universe aligning itself the wrong way. I will detail this out... 
• I earn good money enough for a decent living and enough for retail therapy but the tasks I do at work make me cry. 
• I spent a lot of time doing NYT crosswords coz I need the simulation or challenge. 
• I don't take any steps to get out of this work shit-hole due to the fear or failure and lack of self-confidence and self-belief. 
• It is a cycle. I know I need to change something but I can't and I cry alone coz I need to maintain my strong image and I hate it when people cry.  
• The crying alone makes it worse coz no one else is aware of what I am going through.

Silver Lining :

• The fact that I am penning this down. Maybe I am ready to make a change. 
• I am hugely impressed in my son who otherwise treats me as his peer and fights with me over silly stuff. He senses that something is wrong, then hugs me and makes me laugh. His head on my chest overwhelms me and makes me want to do better for his sake. 

Happy Days#1

 

It is a Snow day today!!! Finally !!!!

We loved the snow, the boy and I. We loved it so much. But I am not so sure now. I know I will enjoy and find real happiness when I go out to play with him but as always something is pulling me back. 

I am focussing on work or I am trying to so that I will get enough time to go out and play. 

The snow is beautiful and bright. It is the silver lining in winter and we have been missing it for so long. 

The husband who usually is irritated with snow cleaning is happy today coz he can use his new Snow Blower. So it is a win-win for all. 

P.S: There has been a lot of abstract negativity around me and I am hoping to write down some of the stuff that makes me happy. Hoping it gives me a positive outlook and pulls me out of whatever I am going through. 

The year so far

 

The year has been tough so far. 

The Husband went on a work trip to India in the first week of Jan. Was it a result of it or not ? Or was it that the pot has been bubbling for long and had to be let out. 

My anxiety reached a peak and I went into a bout of something negative. Was it depresssion? Panic Attacks?

I distanced myself from all. I talked to no one and no one missed me. 

I did nothing all day but stare at the screen. 

I rushed between office and school pickups and struggled managing time though it sounds strange coz I did nothing anyway. 

I cried out loud some days. Shouted at the boy one day. 

I was mad at S coz he takes me for granted and leaves me alone to manage it all. He could have come back days earlier. He chose to go home, spent time with all and have fun while I struggled like crazy to keep myself together. 

I have been working on my anxiety alone and I think it is getting better. 

I had a long talk with him about my fears and all, it was helpful. Let us hope it goes fine. 

More on 2023

 

An incomplete draft: Publishing anyway

It is August already and similar to the past few years, this year is also flying. 

I almost forgot what we did in the beginning of the year. I had vowed to stay active during the winter but I did not keep it up. Instead, I hibernated. 

Work was hectic in the first quarter and it felt so good though to accomplish and get things done.

In April, we went on a much awaited trip to Lisbon, Porto and Madrid. I loved it but I feel that we could have planned it better. I cannot complain though coz I did nothing and he did all the organizing and ticket booking. 

We rented a car at the Porto airport and drove to Madrid on the day we arrived. The car had a stick and did not have the comforts that we take for granted back home. The travel was very hectic and the route was pretty remote where all cafes/restaurants were closed during that time. We somehow made it to a gas station a couple hours later and pumped in the caffeine which then fueled us. 

Madrid was beautiful, lively and we all loved it. I vaguely remember that fought with the husband and son and threatened not to go sight seeing with them which we later sorted out. The evening after we arrived, we went exploring tapas and food around plaza mayor. I think all three of us love exploring the food more than the history. I am probably the only one who does appreciate history.

That gets me thinking - Are all European cities about history and architecture? Why do we visit those places?  

If I am not interested to view art or architecture then does it make sense to visit say Paris. Add shopping to the list. So why do we still go there ? Is it to feel good, is it a measure of our success? Or is it for the experience? 

I digress. The next day we were scheduled to visit a Formula 1 event but we overslept and missed the time. However, they were not strict with the time and we were able to attend the next show. 

Later, we visited the palace, the plaza (again), food markets and walked a lot that day. We loved it. Period. 

The next day we continued to Lisbon. The drive was long and we saw Olive fields. I had jotted down a few places that we could stop on the way but he would not stop. We argued and he decided to take a break at a fort. Then I was evil and adamant that I wouldn't step out of the car.

The fort was really beautiful and we enjoyed the break. 

2023 - jot downs

 

It has been a while and I may have started another blog too in between. 

The little boy in my previous jot downs is now a teenager. He is still my baby though and not yet an irritating teenager. The arguments have started , he ridicules our roots and culture and is very conscious of having smelly Indian food if he is going out. He does not like cheap graphic t-shirts anymore and has started to be brand conscious. He has been going for tennis lessons since a while and it has made me poor not only because it is expensive but only because he only wears the brand "Lacoste". His grades are good but he does not open his books after school or do any extra work which scares me because I see me in him. 

Over the years, TH has changed a lot. He has mellowed down, does not lose his temper much and helps me with the household chores. What brought about the changes? I think the relocation to US and the absence of his parents from our day to day lives may have done the magic.

And me. I am more restless than I ever was. That may be why I opened the blog today to write and calm me down. I diagnosed myself to be hyperactive (ADHD ?) . Or it could be the overuse of technology that masquerades as ADHD. I think not though. I used to wonder how my in laws sleep or rest all the time while I had to be doing something always. Maybe this is the answer. Maybe it is me and not them.  

I tried to get over my "squirrel"-ness by stopping all social media and then I stopped reading coz I was always engrossed in my novels. Didn't help. Instead I can't read now and I am as restless as ever.

At work, I quit my job and joined elsewhere which was great but did not work coz of some unforeseen reasons. Then joined another where I am struggling now coz it is so different than what I am used to and I get no help. I hope I do well here. I did not restart my fiction reading spree coz I wanted to concentrate on learning for work. But now, I am in the middle of nowhere. 

Hoping to kickstart the writing and hope that it calms me down. Gives me some peace and satisfaction. 

 

Got the priorities wrong...

I am very upset and feeling depressed because of my parenting choices.

Rewinding back to a long time ago.. the little one loved books from the time he started recognizing colors. Compared to his peers of the same age group he learned colors and numbers very early on. He wanted a book all the time. Would not go to potty without Amma reading / showing pictures . So it was very easy to potty train him too.

Even though he was good at numbers , colors , fruits and animals .. we never taught him alphabets or never prepped him for school . Later we moved to the US right in time for his kindergarten and he had a difficult time.
For one , he did not speak English like his classmates. And two because we were in a neighborhood with a high percentage of Indians , every kid knew how to read fluently and write quite well by the time they were starting kindergarten.

The teacher assured us that he would catch up and he did. I did not take an extra effort for this. I trusted the teachers and let them teach him. They did a good job.

In first grade , he had a senior teacher who made them work really hard. Again, I left it all to the teacher. My mom and most of my extended family are / were Professors. So I somehow had this feeling that I should not interfere or force him to study. I believed and still believe that teachers are the most qualified hands for this job. He was not a bad student either. He did his homework himself and the teacher had mostly good remarks about him.

Come second grade and he has the youngest teacher in school as his homeroom teacher. As parents, my husband and I agreed that we should not push him too much . We never sent him for Kumon / Extra math things. Instead we did enroll him for extra curricular activities. This was also because the winter is awful here and he would have no exercise or fun during these months otherwise. He enjoys it too though he isn't particularly great at any sport.
This weekend I realized that they did a lot more in first grade than they do now in second grade. This has made him very lazy , he is bored with the school as he does not learn enough and does not seem interested any more.

I do not want to blame the teacher. She is young and has her limitations. Maybe second grade is more relaxed than first grade. I feel the syllabus is also like that.. first grade was a big leap to new things. Second grade was more like a revision . But now the son is super lazy and I feel I am to blame for not seeing this sooner.

I do not want to make him a rebel , I do not want him to be lazy , I do not want to make him feel that Amma is putting too much pressure on him. I am upset. He does not seem to want to read any more. I used to and still read a lot . But I cannot find the books I read as a child. He loves Wimpy Kid , Captain Underpants and the like... But I cannot get him enough and he reads as it is a chore now.

I know I went wrong , I was lazy , too engrossed in work , too busy in trying to be the perfect working mom who puts hot food on the table for every meal.

I regret . I should have set my priorities right. I will !!!

Mom , MIL and Me ... Cooking

I never considered my mom to be a great cook when I was growing up. We rarely ate out those days and we when we did my mom made it a point to dissect the food we liked in her brain and try it out later. It was mostly a success. She baked cakes, cookies and puddings in those days when people rarely had ovens. We never bought any pickles or jams or fruit squashes(concentrates) , mom made it all.

Even when I moved to a hostel during my Engineering days and the food there was barely edible , I still did not give her the credit. I just assumed that every mom was a good cook or maybe that all home cooked food tasted good . 

Soon after school, I moved to another city to do my Graduation. It was supposed to be a good choice for an Engineering college . Then I got a job and moved further away. All through this time I made sure that I came home every weekend. I hogged on my mom's food but did not appreciate her cooking skills. Nor did I try to learn or try or even watch to see how she cooked. 

When I was dating my husband he often gushed about his mom's cooking . I told him that my mom is just an average cook. I was in for a shock after marriage. With all due respect for my MIL , she wasn't the cook I expected her to be.  Today I realize it is because of circumstances. She stayed in a joint family where the other elders did the cooking. She never went out a lot so she did not know anything other than the traditional fare. And their traditional fare was not what I have had and took me a lot of time adjust to. My husband on the other hand found my mom to be a great cook and would polish off whatever she made and ask for seconds. 

Then life happened and we moved to the US. And I realized that though I knew a lot about theoretical cooking thanks to the cooking blogs I read, I did not know how to cook at all.  It has been some time here now and I have come a long way from where I started. 

I am happy with the progress but then when I look back I keep thinking of some of the kitchen experiments that became an unexpected success. I wish I had those recipes to recreate the magic. I am planning to document my recipes keeping it in mind...